Wednesday, September 15, 2010


First of all let’s define a bitter khalto: a bitter khalto is a married woman, usually in her fifties and up, she enjoys gossiping, loves weddings and secretly hates everyone else.

But that’s not all; a woman has to have certain characteristics to qualify as a full-time bitter khalto, and it’s not that easy being a khalto, you need skills and a certain lifestyle. Here’s how to do it:

1. Get rid of bright colored items in your closet, you need to dress like a khalto, get more black, brown, brass and the likes. If you wear a Hijab you might want to consider animal prints for that. Below is a list of colors you can mix and match, from Wikipedia.


2. Shoes with a metal buckle are essential, you can’t go without them: your shoes have to have anything metal on them. Also, if your heels don’t make a noise when you walk, get a nail and hammer it into the sole of your shoes, that’ll do it.

3. Now, let’s say you’re sitting in a waiting area (at a doctor’s office, etc) you need to stare at girls sitting there, and it’d be better if you look dissatisfied, unhappy, disgusted whatever el mohem you’re not amused and you don’t like the girl. Do not, I repeat do not smile at females, and pretend males don’t exist.


4. When shopping for groceries, the cart is your weapon, and people in the store are your enemies, so push damn it! You need to eliminate people getting in your way. PUSH I say.

5. So you’re waiting outside the fitting rooms for someone, and while you're sitting there (yes sitting of course, sit there and put all the bags on the ground, you can also take off one shoe) some girl comes out of the fitting room wanting to show her friend, sister, mother etc. what she’s trying on, try, as hard as you can, to make her feel that is the ugliest piece of clothing you have ever seen on the weirdest looking body. You want her to think “oh my God this must be so ugly how on earth did I pick it? I want to die now”, if you can mumble something to anyone next to you while looking at her that’d be better.

6. Now this is important, if you know any single girls, it is your mission to make them feel like failures, urge them to go to places where they can find potential husbands and tell them they could use more makeup because only then men will look at them, also, try to remind them that their lives are meaningless without a 3arees and that getting married is what they’re on earth for. 

7. Your daughter is an angel. She’s the best person on this earth. Period.

8. People who know all the latest gossip are your best friends, avoid the silent ones, you want people to come to you when they need info on someone, false info that is.

9. You’re the Godmother of everyone younger than you, and you get to tell people what to do and what not to do.

Now only when you have all the points above you’ll qualify as a bitter khalto, because there are other types of khaltoyat out there, some are really sweet and they’re good cooks who like to feed everyone and take care of the sick people, and others fall in between, now if you’re planning on following the steps above, remind me to stay away from you, I have enough shopping cart bruises.