Monday, May 23, 2011

10 People the World Would be Better off Without

Much better, actually close to awesome. So if you see or know one, help us save Jordan’s future and smack them on the head until their malfunctioning brain shuts completely and then try to talk some sense into them. Or better yet, kill them.

1. The texting street-crosser: I almost got into an accident the other day, the car in front of me stopped suddenly, the car in front of him stopped suddenly, the reason: girl crossing the street at 1cm/hour speed while texting. What’s worse is that she couldn’t even bother to turn her head and look at the car that almost ran her over. I wanted to stab her with that heel she was wearing.

Salary. Business People
2. The salary investigator: what difference on earth does it make if I (or anyone else for that matter) get paid a hundred JDs or a thousand JDs? As long as I’m not taking your money, not working for you, not stealing... etc. is it really your business? Those people go as far as making friends in payroll departments in their companies just to know how much everyone gets paid and where their salary goes. Curiosity? Okay, but when they start nagging each time someone in the company gets a 5 JD raise, smack them on the head etc. Or better yet, get a hold of their salary slip and ask them about each and every detail on it.

Jason and Jody 100
3. The family package wedding guest: really? You couldn’t find someone to babysit your 5, 3, and 1 year-old kids so you brought them with you? Oh okay, they’re so cute and quiet anyway. What? I can’t hear you with all that crying! I can get it when it’s a close relative (who should call and say she won’t be able to make it because she has no babysitter to which the host will respond that it’s okay if she brought her baby, and who will leave the moment the baby starts getting grumpy) but when you invite someone, and they tell you that they’re bringing their kids period, or when they won’t even bother to tell you in advance, hire a bouncer that will smack them on the head etc.

Food delivery
4. The delivery guy in the car that is small enough to fit under your right side mirror, they are getting worse than taxi drivers, and you thought no one can beat those. Suddenly they’re all so dedicated to delivering fresh, steaming hot meals that they would be willing to endanger everyone else’s life. The problem is, you order some food, and it always arrives cold! Take off their cap and smack them on the head etc.

On the phones talking to voters
5. People who talk to you while you’re on the phone: what is it? Is it that you think you and your stupid topics are more important than anything else? Is the phone somehow invisible to you? Or do you think I’m holding the phone close to my ear as an accessory? I should smack you on the head with it.

hannah eating mess baby
6. Moms who only ever talk about diapers, babies, diapers, milk, formula, diapers… A lot of my friends happen to be moms, yet their conversations aren't limited to the baby and the baby only! Sure, babies are cute, but when you only have one thing to talk about, you, my friend, need to be smacked on your baby-spit-covered head.

7. People who click spam links on Facebook: for crying out loud, you will never be able to check who viewed your profile, I don’t want to check who viewed my profile, I don’t care what happened to that girl when her dad ate her sandwich, and Facebook will not make an app that makes your friends send you links to let you know they added a dislike button! Yes you will say that it was sent automatically on your behalf but guess what? THAT IS WHAT SPAM IS ABOUT. Just DON’T. frickin’. click. the. damn. link.

8. This guy.

9. People who bring their kids to the mosque: you want to teach your kids how to pray then good for you! But disrupting other people’s prayers is just wrong, whether you’re a man or a woman, if you have no place to keep your baby, STAY AT HOME. You’re doing more harm than good. I’m pretty sure I will nag about this more come Ramadan and Taraweeh prayers, since some women bring infants who won’t stop crying to mosques.

10. Men who will stare (gawk, actually) at any drop of estrogen that walks by: especially those with a girl (woman) sitting beside them! She wears skimpy clothes, they stare, she wears modest clothes, they stare, she wears a tent, they stare. I’m too disgusted to even smack them on the head!

Next time I’m in a whining mood, I’ll add another bunch of people to this list. We all need to take part in smacking those people so hard their heads will go to Greece and return, maybe in a couple of years Jordan will be idiot-free!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Street Talk

What’s with guys thinking that every girl passing by them in the street wants to hear and understand what they’re talking about? They’re usually talking normally but when a girl walks by it turns into “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEE SAMEER? MEEN SAMEER? ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE HIM HIS MONEY TODAY? IT’S ONE HUNDRED JDS RIGHT? I AM GOING TO PAY CONDOLENCES TO MWAFFAG AT SEVEN O’CLOCK”*. And they do this while looking at you, "Hey check me out having this awesome conversation".

 It seems that every time I’m walking in the street and there’s someone watching me, I trip. I never trip when there’s no one around, but if I catch a khalto staring or a random dude watching, my flat shoes suddenly become 10 inch stilettos! Is it the awkwardness? Or is there some secret factor in the looks of our khaltos?

 Beautiful sidewalk right? Well it's either this or the one on your right.

You know you’re in Jordan when you see people walking NEXT TO THE SIDEWALK, people even prefer walking between parked cars (I’m not getting into how well parked those cars are). I don’t really blame them, we’re not used to having sidewalks in Jordan, they’re usually either a pile of rocks, or have untrimmed trees, that not even a 5 year-old can walk under, every two meters. (This is NOT a request to cut down those trees dear government!)

Do you get the feeling that cats nowadays are braver than before? Some are even reckless sometimes! I remember how they used to run away if you came near them, but now it seems that they stopped being afraid for some reason. One of my friends is cursed with suicidal cats, they just jump on her car even when it’s parked! (Hey you think she has a dead fish stuck near the engine or something?) 

*CAPS lock indicates yelling (in case you've been living on another planet.)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Talents You Develop Working at the Wrong Company

Hello. I’m back, sort of. I still have a lot going on but things at work are much quieter now than the past couple of months, except my mind feels really blank when it comes to blogging. But I miss this so let’s try to pick up.

Being so busy at work made me think of all the different talents that I developed lately working in the wrong place, or more accurately with the wrong people because nothing is wrong with my job, except for some shitheads that make going to work every day a huge pain.

Here’s what you learn when you work in such a place:

  1. Dodge ball:  yes, dodge ball, they like to play it a lot around here. This is your job this is his job this is her job. It’s anybody else’s job as long as it’s not mine. We dodge tasks like they were bullets. Because hey, work kills.

  2. Witty comebacks: I still need to work on mine to be honest, but if you’ve been in the “business” for a while you’ll know exactly what and what not to say to your coworker/boss, especially when they’re trying to shoot you, I mean give you a task.

  3. Time wasting: you managed to avoid all those bullets, you now have 8 (more?) hours to kill by sitting at your office, from shooting bubbles to Tetris to Sudoku, you’re gonna get good at every game there is.

  4. Social skills: of course you cannot possibly waste all those 8 hours shooting bubbles (because then anything you look at will be round and SO COLORFUL) so you’ll pay your other colleagues some visits. Bonding is important.

  5. Caffeine tolerance: all those visits mean lots of coffee, being bored means lots of coffee, so if you are caffeine-sensitive you might be able to improve this.

  6. Procrastination: procrastination is an art. And making up excuses for it is even another art. The creativity some people enjoy never ceases to amaze me.

  7. Acting: no classes needed, you’ll have the best models in front of you and all you’ll need to do is to pick up the gestures and body language basics to be ready to convince everyone that you’re a busy, busy person who doesn’t even have time to sneeze and that you’re the one who did all the work on that report you know nothing about.

  8. Sleeping with your eyes open.

  9. Some technology-related skills: proxies and whatnot, how to get to Facebook even when it’s blocked, how to unlock instant messengers, etc. I hadn’t even heard the word “proxy” before I started work (let alone blogging).

  10. Drawing: because you can’t possibly arrive to a meeting without your pen and paper, and what the heck are you going to write when you have nothing to do with what’s being said? You doodle.

Any other thing you learned at a lousy workplace? Share!