Thursday, August 19, 2010

20 Things I would Like to Stop Hearing About

(Or reading for that matter)

1. Why Apple is better than Microsoft and why Microsoft beats Apple.

2. How a Hijab restrains women’s freedom and the ban Hijab/allow Hijab war.

3. The heat: it’s summer, what did you expect? We bitched a little when the wave started but enough now, it’s getting old.

4. How you’re an activist, I’m sorry but tweeting about Palestine, women’s rights and so on is not considered an action of activism.

5. Your diet! So you can’t have chocolate cake, boohoo.

6. Why your job sucks more than mine, all jobs suck.

7. Your location at the moment, yes Foursquare and Gowalla users I’m talking about you, it’s too much info for me to know that you’re in the toilet right now. (People who use both: Seriously?)

8. Why you’re a “social media expert”, oh guess what, I have accounts on Facebook, Twitter and Blogspot! Looks like I’m a social media guru. Also, how you’re an entrepreneur and whatnot.

9. How you love your Gmail. And why everyone should switch to it ASAP! I don’t see Hotmail users dying.

10. Every single movement of your baby. Really? He had his first snickers bar today? Awww he’s playing in the bathtub? DO TELL MORE!

11. Why the entire country “needs to be burned”. Start with improving yourself before you complain about others, or better yet, if you can’t stand it, leave it.

12. How you’re pissed that you got a driving ticket, guess what, you were parked in a no parking zone.

13. Every single thing you eat and drink. Don’t you have anything else to talk about? Just talk about the specials, that would be enough.

14. The oh-so-awesome and endless features of your oh-so-awesome shiny new gadget.

15. Your significant other’s flaws. 3eib!

16. How you’re helping the poor and feeding the hungry, you shouldn’t be bragging about this, the whole point of giving (especially if you’re doing it for Allah) is to keep silent about it. You can encourage people to give without saying that you do.

17. Criticism of every word that girl you hate says, and what she does, okay, you hate her, doesn’t mean that all her actions are wrong!

18. The fact that you’re funny, kind or cool. I think people should decide that don’t you? Who the hell calls himself “funny”?

19. How you're an amateur photographer. Again, sorry, but your Facebook profile picture that people said was nice is not considered photography. 

20. How you can't get the girls/guys to stop following you and expressing their admiration.

Let’s see, is there anything left for people to talk about or did I just ask people to stop talking?

Let me do some talking:

I am a funny, cool activist and entrepreneur, I LOVE my new phone and my new laptop and the operating systems on both of them, they help me with my social media career, especially when I’m at my office in Amman. Which I’m glad has AC because this heat wave is making my brain melt inside my skull, although the job sucks and I hate this girl at work who’s really fat and should go on a diet, speaking of diets, I’m soooo craving some cheesecake right now but I can’t have any :’( although I did have some atayef last night, but that was only because I was so upset because the stupid policeman gave me a parking ticket, I’m so glad I’d already dropped my friend and her super cute baby, because I can’t handle seeing him cry, he’d just had his first falafel sandwich, I told her to email me the amazing pictures that I took of him on my Gmail, it’s sooo much better than Hotmail, I can’t believe I was living with it for years! I finally got rid of those stupid emails that this stalker has been sending me, I’m telling you, all guys should be shot, then we would have a nice country to live in, oh except some girls must die too, I guess that’ll leave me, my family and some friends, but I would leave the poor people, because I LOVE to help the poor, the other day I saw this… Get what I’m saying?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Phone Behavior

You know when you send someone a text message and you’re expecting they reply but they never do? Okay how about when you send them a text and you’re not waiting a reply but they do?

I’m classifying people again (sue me), this time, according to their phone-related behavior :)

1. People who pick up their phone at all times, no matter what: you can count on them to pick up whenever you call, day, night, work, home, out, anywhere! It’s like they have their phone attached to their hands, maybe their finger is fixed to the answer button. I actually like this type, you feel like they’re there for you.

Note: if you’re one of the unlucky people, you might find yourself in an emergency situation, calling them but they’re not answering, they answer all calls but no, not this one. Yeah I’m sorry about your life.


2. People who never pick up the phone: it gets to the point that you dial the number and throw the phone on the table because you’re hopeless. These can be a true source of frustration sometimes.

Another note to the unlucky people: let’s say you’re broke, and you have no credit in your phone, and you want to call them and hang up so they call you back (maybe next week), don’t do that, they’ll pick up.


3. The no voice, only text people: they have a thing against voice calls, they would be dying and in desperate need of help so they text 911, I can’t understand this type, lack of self-confidence maybe? Or just plain stingy? The only ones worse are those who use the Facebook wall or comments! I once got invited to a wedding via text message, and another via Facebook messages. I know the weirdest people.

Note: to piss these people off, just ignore a text, and the next, and the call back request. They’ll call eventually.

4. The “phone is for phone calls” people: these never answer texts, they never take them seriously, the number one enemy of type 3 above. I actually know a type 3 and a type 4 who stopped talking to each other.

Note: if you want to get away with forgetting to tell them something important, just say you sent it in a message, they’ll never know.

5. The repliers: you send a text, they reply, you reply something like “okay well talk to you later”, they reply, you send something like “hehe yeah ok. This was nice, later!”, they reply! Next thing you’re falling asleep on the phone just because they’re replying and replying, and you never even asked them anything, text messages and instant messenger are interchangeable to them. 

Note: if you think that stopping on your side will make them stop too, think again, if you don’t reply, they resend the text or send another one. Good luck.

Do you know any other types?

Sunday, August 8, 2010

In Case You Didn’t Know

At work, we placed an ad in the newspaper last week announcing a job vacancy for a position, let’s just say that this position requires excellent communication skills (verbal and written) more than any other skill.
Now I don’t know what my boss was thinking when he told me I’ll be handling the applications (mesh 3arfeh shw dakhalni) anyway, I’ve been receiving all sorts of CVs with and without cover letters and the only thing I can say is that we’ll never go anywhere unless we start taking things like these seriously, here are a few things that got me shaking my head:

1. You don’t just toss your CV in an email and send it, no subject, no hello, no greetings, no dear sir no nothing! We’re not collecting CVs in a basket like charity.

2. If you work in marketing or sales, please don’t send offers at the careers email! Seriously, are you that desperate? You’re collecting emails from job ads and spamming them now? (And no it wasn’t automatically sent).

3. You don’t use “u” instead of “you”, “r” instead of “are”, and so on, in your cover letter. You’re writing a formal letter for God’s sake!

4. I think it would be better if you omit the “could you read my CV carefully?”

5. You send your CV from your email, not someone else’s, everyone has an email, the deadline is not in 5 minutes, get off your butt and go send your own CV, don’t tell me not everyone has access to internet and all that stuff, you can give your password to someone you trust and have them send it for you.

6. I’d prefer if your sender name is not “Lulu Lulu”, “big boss”, “rrr sss” or anything that sounds like “Queen Latifa” even if your name is on the CV.

7. When you say “my CV is attached” I should be able to find it with the attachments, I could be asking for too much here but I’d really like to take a look at that.

8. If you can read a font of size 7.5, good for you. Why would you want to torture others?

9. Don’t copy and paste your CV in the message body! I appreciate the formatting but please attach a file.

10. Why would you send me two CVs? Which one am I supposed to consider?

11. If you’re going to be including a photo of you in your CV, it would be better if it wasn’t one from a makeup ad, so you’re a makeup model or something, why would I want to see a black and white close-up of you with your hand on your cheek?

12. Windows 95, 98 and XP are not computer skills; don’t write them in a list with bullets and stuff to make your CV longer.

13. I never really got the “interests” section in a CV but if you must, “beauty issues” and “shopping” are not things that will help you get hired, and speaking of that,

14. Internet browsing” is not work experience. How is that work experience?

15. Don’t you think that writing your GPA sounds better than writing “average = excellent”?

Now I know many people will be thinking “oh how arrogant of her to say that about people who send her applications”, well bite me, I just gave you 15 Dos and Don’ts, in my own way.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

10 Signs You’re an Awkward Turtle

I tend to be really awkward when meeting people for the first time, this usually happens on the first and maybe second times I meet them but then fades away and I become the opposite, anyway, if you’re still unsure whether or not you are an awkward person, here are the major signs (I have most of them most of the time): 

1. When you meet someone new, the conversation goes like this:

You: hey
Them: hey
You: how are you?
Them: good how are you?
You: good how are you?
Them: :S

2. Your only response to compliments like “you look good today”, “I like your blouse”, “I like your scarf”, “I think you’re smart”, “you have such a beautiful skin”… etc, is a big goofy smile and possibly a “thanks” (which is not the way it’s done in the Arab world because there is a certain reply for every type of compliment.)

3. You respond to the phrase “it was nice to meet you” with a “hehe”.

4. When you’re about to meet someone important, you plan a whole nice conversation in your head with all the right things to say only to end up with the same goofy smile and a stupid look in your face that says “hey I’m probably the dumbest person you’ll ever meet so don’t even try”, you also slap yourself repeatedly after that meeting.

5. When you meet someone you’ve heard of but never actually met, you end up staring at their hair, eyes, nose… etc only because that’s not how you pictured them to be, in your stupid messed up mind that is, which makes them uncomfortable.

6. At social gatherings, you wait for people to come talk to you and invite you to sit with them, otherwise you’re just playing with your phone (which has nothing on it to play with so you start reading the old messages in your inbox).

7. If you meet another awkward person like you, you’ll probably need a third person to start a conversation or it’s going to be “it’s really hot today” “yeah, it’s the heat wave” “yeah”.

8. There were lots of instances where people changed the subject right after your valuable contribution to the conversation.

9. You want to call someone:

And there is nothing wrong with the reception.

10. You can’t order delivery to save your life!

On a final note, if you’re a guy, and one or more of the above points apply to you, when you meet a girl for the first time, please, please refrain from making jokes. I think you know that I have your best interest in mind.