Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sometimes Looking at the Bright Side is Not the Right Thing to Do

Warning: this is not a funny post, if you feel like reading something more upbeat, try reading the other posts :)

People are getting used to giving the same advice to everyone through different situations, sayings like “look at the bright side” or “try to see the glass half full” are becoming things you hear every single day from every single person who thinks they know every single thing about life. It’s always the same thing, the same lines, and they’re so overused that you feel people are saying them without even hearing the story.

Sometimes the situation calls for something other than seeing the bright side, maybe you do need to look at the dark one, what if the bright side is so small and so narrow but the dark one is consuming every last drop of your soul? And what if the glass is full, but is filled with tears instead?

I’ll get to my point here, when it comes to relationships, and marriage in particular, people seem to go by the rule above, if a man is not abusing his (let’s say) significant other, physically, then she has to look at the bright side; as long as he’s not hitting you, you should compromise.

Most girls become so weak when they fall in love, to the point where seeing the man’s flaws becomes impossible, their vision is clouded, and the smallest nice gesture that he makes can become so big that it obstructs vision, and the woman no longer sees the bad things as flaws. He could ignore her for days, and she would hurt, but upon the first bit of attention that he gives her, all that is done will be forgotten, “well he asked about me eventually”, what about the days you spent wondering whether or not he would notice you’re not ok?

Another thing is making excuses for him; she’d say “he’s going through a tough time and I should support him and be as understanding as I can be”, is going through bad times a good enough justification for treating people the wrong way? Does he treat other people that way because he’s having a rough time? No? Then why you? And what does the amount of money you have (or don’t have) in the bank have to do with him being cruel to you?

When things reach the point of emotional abuse, there should be no looking at the bright side, because chances are, in a few months or even years, there will be no bright side to look at. It’s amazing how we can become so blind that we don’t realize how miserable this person is making us and how numb we’re becoming inside, how one sick person can make a woman feel worthless, guilty and responsible for everything wrong going on in their relationship.

If you used to be a happy person, one who people look forward to see and have a laugh with, if you used to be like the sun, shining its rays and warming other people’s lives, but now you’re just a cold dark planet, because you are so consumed, so busy worrying and wondering how to please someone who just won’t be pleased no matter what, then maybe you should look at things from a different angle, and really think why people around you have changed, if you are who you used to be around them.

There are signs that can signal you being in an emotionally abusive relationship, these are some from lovesights.com you should check out the whole list there:

1. Your mate is angry or upset with you often, and you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him.

2. He refuses to discuss upsetting issues with you, and possibly accuses you of starting up a fight when you try to. Your issues therefore are never resolved.

3. He frequently misunderstands your intentions for something bad.

4. You often worry about him misunderstanding something you say or do that you are distracted from other important issues in your life.

5. You feel that there is something wrong with you.

6. Your mate rarely shares his thoughts and feelings with you, or refuses to.

7. He almost always disagrees with you.

8. You feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace.

9. You feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship, and that you need to ask for permission to do things all the time.

10. You gradually see less of your family and friends; he often criticizes them and complains when you spend time with them.

11. You think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws then everything would be okay in the relationship.

12. You would feel frightened if he knew you are reading something like this, or taking this test.

It only takes three of the above points to mean you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

If you think this is not as important and dangerous as physical abuse then you’re wrong, because it can get so bad that some women contemplate suicide, some also suggest that it usually ends up with physical abuse after all. 

Where’s the bright side in that?

You can read some more here if you’re interested.


Anonymous said...

ahhh my poor rand, in that situation there is no bright side look at the dark side straight in the face and tell it you are leaving.
run and save yourself before it is too late and you are forever broken. i have a rule that if you argue more than 3 times a week and that every time you have to "give in" just to keep the peace then there is something wrong, if you cry at least once every single week then there is something terribly wrong. and sometimes some things can't be fixed or changed and instead have to be terminated and as quickly as possible to reduce lateral damage
good luck, be strong and get lots of ice cream and chocolate x

Rand said...

:) lol, after the long silence mel has finally spoken. al 7amdulellah I'm not living this situation, but I know people who are, were or are going to be. but people don't seem to listen and always think you're either jealous that they're in a relationship, or that u hate the guy and want them to break up in any way :) but i will take the chocolate and ice cream advice thank you very much, welcome back.

Anonymous said...

Quite a thought provoking post today Rand. There is a cause and effect process here as well. Why is there emotional abuse here today as you describe it so well?

There are many many reasons and from my own perspective some of them are a result of the lifestyles we lead.

We are so distracted by the trappings of a modern world - material things, physical and mental expectations, social expectations that we have lost touch with ourselves, who we are and who we want to really be. The pressure is hugely intense and the problem is that we don't actually recognize it before it is too late.

This leads to a deep level of frustration with oneself and the only venting possibilities we have are our partners.

You paint a picture from a female perspective. It does exist in reverse as well, when a woman sees a man as a loser.

We need to get back to basics sometimes and ignore that 95% of what is floating around on this planet are illusions.

No health warning on those are there!

Thank you Rand for yet another excellent post.

Anonymous said...

ppphhheewwww good that you are not, those are terrible and as we say love is blind so until those girls get their eyes back they wont hear a word you say, and the decision has to come from within so really nothing you can do but sit down enjoy the chocolates and wait for them with a box of tissues for when they come back to life
and yes Frank is right, it can also happen to men but either they are all to proud to speak up about it or there are too few situations

Anonymous said...

Rand I just wish every girl would think this way, I really do
but the fact is and you agree with me, they don't
in fact, girls dig this abuse, they look for drama they love troubles and tragedies (even all of 'em deny it)
show me one guy in a successful relation who is being nice to his partner, if he do, she will end the relation or might only consider him a 'nice' friend
hope this changes...

Anonymous said...

Also, am sick of this stereotype, girls are always week and deceived, men are evil, please
plenty of nice guys...but then this is NOT what girls want

Rand said...

Frank, I agree with you 100% it's all about the images we see and want to become, and we don't realize that these don't exist in real life. I do agree that the situation can exist in reverse, but like melicieuse said, i think they are too few, especially in Arab cultures.

mel, i think it's not popular among men because females usually are more emotional, they dream of having a loving husband and a happy home more than guys do, they get carried away picturing themselves fairytale-happy, so they hold on to the smallest of hopes.

Anonymous, don't generalize too much, there are nice men in successful relationships, what ur saying would mean all married men are bad people! and Im not saying girls are always decieved and men are the evil ones, i'm talking about something that may or may not happen to a woman, by a certain man and not all men, it's like physical abuse, a guy might do it, and another would rather die before he does, either way, if a girl does not want a nice guy it's her loss, and she's not worth it, but if she doesnt want to be with a certain nice guy then it may be sometihng other than that right? the heart wants what it wants :)

Anonymous said...

I meant is there a women in LOVE with her NICE husband? ever?
all love stories from women side are related to abusing men
and i know the heart wants what it wants, but jordanian women will only want brad or tom cruis, so arrogant when they are not that pretty, not that funny not that intelligent not very successful, just arrogant
all the respect

مياسي said...

well v true actually
weired coz i have a relative who is in almost same situation, after 5 years my relative came to relaise that her partner " ma befham"!
the rule of not hitting could be applied to my grandfather days, not any more right now

well i read the introduction of John Grey's book "Women from Viuns, Men from March", he talked about his wife once telling him:
"u always good when things are good, and when i change you just walk away"!!

does that summerize many relationships in our life?!

-Note: not all the posts have to be funny, this is ur blog after all :)

Rand said...

Anonymous i think ur being too extreme, lighten up :) i know many girls with very nice husbands and they're living the life they dreamed of. there is still hope la tay2as

Mayasi, i'm glad ur relative eventually got to understand things, yeah it summarises many relationships that shouldn't exist!

zuhair said...

ra7at 3alena :).. i have a point view about this .. but its very complicated so i wouldnt say it :)
but in general arab ppl are far from haveing a developed relationships due to our semi closed society ... men dont know women and the oposit is true as well .. also the infusion of habits and riligion " somehow men twist religion to justify there actions " .. has kind of put relationships in a wierd place .. and i would say that the biggest looser of this are womens .. fa bardo " ra7at 3alekom " )

asoom said...

Wow I would say that 1-4 and #6 definitely characterized the relationship I just came out of....and you know what's really interesting? if you ask him he would probably claim some of those points and say that he was actually the one being emotionally abused by me.

As I said in my post I feel slightly sad but more relieved than anything else, and reading this post just made me feel even more relieved LOL.

I just wanted to add that alot of the reasons why we end up in these positions anyway is because we don't believe that we actually deserve better and we WILL get better.

Rand said...

I'm glad my post helped in a way or another. You're right we'll only find out that we can do better after we get out of it, and that's not just in relationships. Thanks for coming :)

Anonymous said...

100% disagree, articles are not laws, you read these in lovesight.com!! i can find for you 100 websites say your wrong.. we can discuss if you wish.. ready?

Rand said...

The signs of emotional abuse are from the article but the rest of the post (i.e. most of it) was written by someone who has seen this happen too many times, me!
Emotional abuse is not something you agree or disagree with, it's very much like physical abuse, if I came and told you "a man beating his wife is called physical abuse" would you disagree?
Maybe I'm not getting your point here, so yeah, elaborate please, but keep in mind that this is my opinion and how I feel about these things, and it's not like I read the article on the website and believed it then copied it and posted it, I have my own opinions and my own experiences.

Anonymous said...

Sorry if I forced you to mention that you faced this and you had bad experience.
But you r just one side here talking about two sides’ thing,, have you ever discussed this with your partner and told him that you feel this and this and you want a clarification from him or you just vanished away and left him? Surely he had something he had explanation for just letting you feel such ugly thing,, do you think he was – is satisfied and that what he was looking for?
I know that the signs were only from that article and this what am talking about, I cannot ignore your opinion which I like and follow ( and its obvious you had your own touches and this simply shown in every post you create) , but this not always the case, there are believes and trust, there is something called I know you and I trust you I can give you an excuse even I can’t support you to that limit I feel ignored frustrated angry ( whatever you call) but I know inside that you love me and wish to give me everything you can give, I forgive you for the bad things you did and for the good things you just couldnt.. I will not allow you to ruin this you should explain, come back as you used to be or I will leave… in our countries in our culture it is very hard to fall in love and break up three four times(with 4 persons I mean) so really when you are sure that this man loves you then he loves you he just can’t live without you could you simply forget that and consider you are suffering emotional abuse because of three or four signs of that article and just walk away, can you accept if he just did this to you? I don’t know how to explain this but I went through this with my lover, do you think I was happy with that surely not,,, physical abuse is obvious you can show it by your hand you can see it by your eyes but emotional abuse is just expectations ,,,, I faced this I cannot ignore, I used to be angry and annoying all the time but I didn’t know what to do, she left, leaving me was hurting but I believe if she just stepped up and discuss (even if she eventually left) I would feel more comfortable. Now I don’t, I still love her, does she know? Surely la2 she believes I’m ass hole, she regrets every single moment shared with me!!! maybe when someone mentions my name she says EE33  .. is it healthy to end just like this? What about all the moments kept in mind????
I think the abuse is a truly loved girl believes she suffers emotional abuse and walks away.

thank you this is my first time talking about my issues.

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